Usually I'm fine with the fact that I don't do anything and never really have, but when I'm at a lull (well, more of a lull than usual) it comes back to me that I feel so inert.

I have things I want to do and I'm just so torpid a lot of the time, and I always have been like that. I get frustrated with the fact that I don't drive and don't have a car, and currently don't have a job, and all the problems seem so imbedded and circuitous it seems to require a Herculean effort to change anything, and I'm so tired. I always want to put forth the effort and do amazing things and nothing becomes amazing, because I'm lazy and underachieving. It's like I don't think I deserve success, almost. There's something more to that, but let's not get into it now.

It's a lot of don'ts and nots and can'ts. I'm accepting of basically being a loser most of the time, but sometimes when there's nothing to distract me I can't quite gloss it over and it's rather unpleasant.

Often accompanying these feelings is the dreaded my-friends-are-not-as-close-as-I-want-them-to-be feeling, and I don't have enough money and mobility to be closer friends with them. I do love my friends; our connections just seem so tenuous sometimes.

Is it okay to be happy with your life as it is, or should you constantly be trying to improve it to meet standards of normalcy? Like, "I should be doing this and should have done this, like everyone else has, so I won't be too big of a freak and won't have to feel so left out." I prefer the former, because I really admire unconventional people who love their lives and aren't afraid, but it's hard to get away from the latter instinct.

Oh well. At least tomorrow I'm getting my hair cut and going to my graduation dinner. I'm tired of being in the house and not reading my books like I should, because the computer is too easy.