That last entry was meant to be a little flippant, a little serious. I'd always wanted a website shout-out and I got one. That was better than the birthday part of the shout-out.

And yeah, it's news to me that I am one of their friends. hahaha We all know it's b.s. ;-)

Oh, there was some thing about handcuffs too. That wasn't as big a deal as it might seem. Seriously. I'm not sure how, but it wasn't. The whole thing wasn't even that big a deal. I bet there are some people who still don't believe me. haha. But it was cool, don't get me wrong.

It's getting cold again now that it's the end of the year. I have Thursday and Friday to work this week, and my only day of work next week is Wednesday. Trust me, I'd rather not work it, but I have to in order to get the paid holidays. Of course it's the day before we leave. Sigh. But that's like, what, 4 days of work that I'd otherwise not get paid for.

I can't decide if I'm a Taoist or a Buddhist or what the hell. I identify more with Taoism, but it's kind of obscure and nebulous. I know I don't need to label myself with any religion, but that's kind of hard, too. One has to have some sort of structure. It's weird; I don't want to have to follow rules and commit, but I really want to be part of a group with a common aim. I guess Taoism is the closest you can get.

I also find that on days when I meditate (not to make it sound like I do it all the time, because I only just started and it's really rudimentary), I dream. I usually don't dream; only when I get enough sleep. I was startled to find that even though I got only six hours of sleep last night, I dreamed. And of what did I dream? Why, I dreamed I was in my underwear -- not at school, not at work, but at a Jump show. (For the record, no one seemed to care, but at one point, I asked Megan to bring me my clothes.)

But yeah, in the past few weeks I've been suddenly compelled from deep inside my mind to change my way of thinking, at least in some ways. If you imagine my head as being filled with rocks (I know that's not difficult to do; in fact, you might be doing it already), imagine that I am now beginning to move the rocks around and regarding each one, imagining the rocks as individuals, as a group, etc. Hee, I'm amused by that image. The whole mindset just kind of started, it wasn't something I was trying to do, which lends a nice mystical feeling to it. Anyway, I'm trying to cultivate a way to not be so helpless in the throes of my occasional anxiety and past bad habits. I'm beginning to realize that I'm 23 years old, and things are different, and I don't always have to be tied down by past actions, or a victim of my emotional whims. Do you get what I mean? I can't quite describe how it feels. In the words of Queen, "I want to break free."

It's so weird writing a diary that other people read. I want to explain my entire mind, like, no, it's not like this, it's like THIS, but it's not possible. Words are so tiny and imprecise! It's amazing. Sometimes it's like we're all locked inside our heads. Ha, I almost typed "licked." Yes, that's it. We're all licked inside our heads. I know what the problem is; it's that the past is gone and the future doesn't exist yet; we have only the present moment, and yet we are trying to record the present moment. And it never quite works.

Man, "What's Eating Gilbert Grape" is a good movie. I wonder if Cha is watching.

One week!